Frankly, I don’t know what the big deal was. A certificate of character does sound as if it’s a report card of one’s moral character – you know, things like whether one is a snitch, or bad-tempered, or is a high-functioning alcoholic, or Elon Musk. But what it is, is really a police clearance to check whether one has a police record or not. It’s nothing more than an accreditation card with the fusty word ‘character’ messing things up. It’s not the kind of certificate you’d want from a private detective agency to check that your prospective son-in-law does not have an up and running family in Saharanpur.
I do remember having a real character certificate while leaving school after Class 10, in which the prefect had written on his letterhead rather nice things about my character, which included ‘making people laugh’. Which, on second thoughts, isn’t much of a virtue these days unless one goes into standup.
Also, after thinking that ‘character certificates’ would actually be a decent idea to have for job applications – ‘This is to certify that Mr/Ms……………, son/daughter of Mr/Ms…………., is known to me for the last …… month(s)/year(s). To the best of my knowledge he/she bears a good moral character and is highly unlikely to play Solitaire on any office computer, or misuse the office photocopy machine to produce multiple copies of rude drawings or photographs.’ – I realised that it would be useless. A parallel industry of ‘fake’ character certificates would only be created, making HR departments spend unnecessary effort, money and Solitaire-playing time to confirm the veracity of these certs.
The fact of the matter, though, remains that there are essentially four kinds of characters for the certificate template:
Character: Unlike in the sense used in Buckingham Palace or by Sam Manekshaw wannabes in the Gymkhana Club – showing moral uprightness, as in ‘character-building‘, a ‘man of character,’ etc – to be termed a character is being marked as an eccentric. The uncle in the building society who can be heard singing in the shower ‘Dum Maro Dum‘ in English (‘Puff on puff/ I’m fully chuffed/ Say it verbatim/ Hare Krishna Hare Ram’); the office colleague who blames everything on ‘our DNA’. A ‘character’ can be an asset in any dull workplace that desperately needs a fall guy/butt of jokes.
Shady character: Anyone who seems up to something even when – especially when – doing nothing. The kind who stares while someone’s keying in credit card details instead of down anyone’s shirtfront. Inevitably, also the last person one sees coming out of the toilet when you’re going in. Seen wearing dark glasses. Indoors. In the evenings.
Loose character: A walking potential #metoo catalyser. Usually marked by hyperfriendliness, the quality of laughing too much, and not even at jokes cracked by the boss. Has a habit of bad mouthing everyone behind their backs, and good mouthing everyone at office parties. Has the penchant of using that cliched line: ‘Your terminal or mine?’ Mid-management likes this sort, as he – and sometimes a she – can be blamed, instead of things like supply chain problems, falling revenues and mid-management.
Characterless: The most dangerous character certificate to possess – a Voldemort whose inscrutability is not just an asset but a boon for any organisation, whether it be governmental, educational or mafiascoic. Being ruthless, though, makes this type not a team player – at least, not a player of the team everyone else is playing on.
No rightminded organisation would want to refer to, update or provide such character certificates in this day and age since all characters are entirely fictional, and any resemblance to real persons, annuated or superannuated, is entirely coincidental.