This transcript was created using speech recognition software. While it has been reviewed by human transcribers, it may contain errors. Please review the episode audio before quoting from this transcript and email transcripts@nytimes.com with any
ANNIE questions.
Would you rather have your hairline one inch from your eyebrow or your gums start a centimeter from the bottom of your teeth? My name is Annie Rose Strasser, and I’m the executive producer of Opinion Audio, which means that I listen basically all day to other people’s conversations. And I like to think about starting good conversations in my personal life, too.
So we are headed into holiday party season when you have to find something new to talk about with the person you talk to at work every day —
[CHATTER]
— or you have to see family who you haven’t seen in a long time and you’re like, oh god, again, or the worst — when you have people who don’t know each other who you are the connecting point between, and you have to figure out a way to make all of them talk to each other. All difficult situations that can be solved with a good conversation starter.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Conversation starters definitely get a bad rap. I think it’s because it sounds like a corny self-helpy terminology, but, in fact, if you break it apart, what we’re talking about is starting a conversation, which is such a meaningful and important thing to do. And I think really good conversation starters give you a lot of connection and understanding of another person and empathy. They’re not board game-y in the way that I think conversation starter sounds. It makes everyone comfortable to be really honest and actually pretty vulnerable, which I think is what we all should be looking for in our conversation.
So I think the thing about a good conversation starter is that it’s approachable territory like you don’t need to come with any preconceived knowledge to be able to answer the question. Virtually anyone can answer it. It’s like an equal playing field for everyone.
The ones that are I think the most successful is when they just feel fun but it also lets you probe. I think the onus is on the person starting the conversation to shepherd the conversation to a more meaningful place from that really approachable wide territory. A couple of years ago, I had to have what I would say was a very awkward dinner between relatives who were meeting for the first time, and I knew that it was going to be really uncomfortable. And so ahead of the dinner, I googled safe conversation starters.
And I found this list from the Greenwich Free Press, “15 Safe Conversation Starters for Thanksgiving Dinner Tables.” It’s just a random list I found on the internet, but they’re so good.
Would you ever go on reality television? If you had a family motto, what would it be? What was the worst job you ever had? What’s one subject that you wish was taught in schools?
I memorized all 15. I would say I deployed seven or eight over the course of the night. I told no one. We’d be in the middle of a conversation, something awkward would happen, there would be a lull, and then I would say so who taught you guys how to ride a bike.
And the weirdest thing was absolutely nobody registered it or — I think this may be what it was — everyone was dying for someone to just start some neutral conversation. And so I did, and everyone was grateful that it happened and immediately latched onto it. And I remember what was the worst job you ever had actually was a really interesting one because everyone told stories about their childhoods and their first jobs, and it turned into a long conversation about the meaning of work. And it didn’t lead to disagreement, but it led to meaningful conversation that was a pretty anodyne conversation starter.
When you’re talking to people at a party, I feel like there’s a few places conversations end up all the time. People like to talk about what they do for work, people they know in common, what television shows you’re watching, conversation that’s slightly impenetrable if you don’t share the same turf as the people who are having the conversation.
And I think that can be very alienating. It doesn’t bring people in, and it’s also just predictable. It’s boring.
I’ve always been intimidated by impenetrable conversation. I’ve always been a person who’s like, oh, this conversation is above me or I’m outside of it or I don’t have anything to contribute, and then I step away from the conversation. And I’ve always liked to find common ground.
So whether you feel bored or awkward or you truly have just run out of things to say to people this holiday season, I highly encourage you to think about using a conversation starter, and to help you out, here are a couple of my favorites.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
One, do you believe in aliens?
Two, if you could have any liquid coming out of your two pointer fingers, which liquids would they be and why.
I think that’s a really good one. By asking it, you start to understand people’s priorities and their ways of thinking.
I find that one to be very revealing when I’ve gotten into big arguments. Why is it important to start these conversations? Well, first of all, it’s the holidays. And part of the reason for having a holiday party is to ge3t to know and talk to people you don’t otherwise, and it’s one of the only times of the year we really do that.
But also, trying to make connections with people in a totally different way challenges your thinking. It makes you, as a person, a little more conscious of how you answer your questions and it lets you get to know other people. And I think that’s why we’re alive.
[LAUGHS]
So now you have some good conversation starters. You know why they’re worth deploying. And I’d say the next thing to do, to memorize your top five and go out and use them this holiday season. Be brave, meet someone new, have a real conversation.